- i have two places where i am able to unburden myself, here and in my own private journal. in both, i am free to rail against the pains that trouble me, free to weep without restraint. in this place, i also have the illusion of talking to friends. so.
you have been warned.
i have two people in my life that i can tell my heart to, that i can turn to for comfort and advice, two sisters of my heart. one an old and dear friend, one a sister in truth. both recently shut the door on me.
so now i have no one.
no one to lend emotional support as my life slowly falls apart, due to my own failure at being an actual adult. i know how to be a student, i know how to be a housewife, but a woman on her own? apparently, not one of my life skills.
i know my problems are small compared to others, but they are things i have never faced before. i have never been on my own before. how do you learn how to be a grown-up in one year? well, it's probably not difficult if you're at all competent, but clearly, i am not.
i just asked my ex for money yesterday. i haven't seen him since we signed the divorce papers, and though we're cordial enough, and have kept in touch through the very occasional polite email, the last -- the very last -- thing i ever wanted to do was to need to ask him for help, he who rejected me, he who saw me as a burden.
but my juggling act has fallen apart. i'm at risk of losing my home by next week.
failure, most definitely.
and now all i can do is wait to see if he will bail me out, with the fear that he won't, and then what will i do?
what a mess.
what a stupid woman.
what a failure.
9 comments:
TJ,
Feel free to unburden yourself on me anytime.
Don't see it as an illusion.
You're neither stupid or a failure.
Take Care,sweetie!
thank you, dei gratia. i really feel glad that i'm a part of this blog -- you guys are all so lovely. ^.^
Toujours,
Thanks for visiting my little blog. I completely let go last night at Mayo's house and said some things about my life I've never said to anyone before. Should I have done it? I honestly don't know. Like you I'm searching, looking for myself and wondering why the hell it's so hard. Please, I know we don't really "Know" each other but in a way we do, feel free to talk to me about your problems. I think sometimes letting you emotions out to someone who won't judge you helps. I can't judge anyone. I can only offer support. If you'd like to e-mail instead of write here thats fine too. I wish there was some way I could help you with your troubles. I guess the only real way I can help is to listen. Never feel you're a failure. You aren't. If you get up every morning then you can't be a failure. It's only those that give up that are failures. Talk to me, I'll listen.
SanDee (elena)
TJ, I'm so sorry to hear your plight. I hope to god you don't lose your home. If you need to talk, you know where I am.
I am here and I am so sorry.
No ones problems are ever small in comparison to anyone else's. We're all equals.
Those two people who shut the door in your face, who left you out in the cold, they will will be back.
Bonds don't break if they're true.
They're malleable.
Bendable.
Trusting.
Emotional support? You've got people lining up to give it to you Toujours. We're all right here. We're here for you when you feel like there's no one else. We may not have all of the answers, but by God, we'll help you find them.
You aren't a failure. There are hurdles. Sometimes we trip. Sometimes we fall down. Sometimes we break bones and hearts in the process. But, we get up. We go on and we face the music. We do it, not because we want to, but because we fucking have to.
Help is granted everywhere. In your Ex. In us. You're a strong, strong person, Toujours. It took so much bravery and selflessness to do what you did. For that, you should be proud.
What will you do?
You'll come back here, and you'll tell us how everything worked out. How your home is still your home. How you've had the opportunity to face and overcome one of the most difficult hardships of your life.
You know why?
Because you're going to jump that hurdle and you're going to blow past the competition. You're going to run and leap and you're going to stick a firm landing.
That's why.
You can do it. There's faith here when you run low. Sdock, the girl has a lifetime supply. We've got your back and we'll all be here to support you. Keep your chin up. There's a sunrise on the horizon. You don't want to miss it.
thank you both, so much.
i don't really know what else to say right now. today was a long day: work, and i had to cancel on a friend's birthday party because i met with my landlord instead. the money's still not there, but i have some extra days in which to try and find it now.
the funny thing? my ex came through. he couldn't give me much, but he gave me what he could. i asked my folks, too, and they just turned me down, nothing more than that. i really thought it would be the other way around.
it's frustrating not being able to post, but i did lurk (i saw you winking and waving miss t! *grin*) and at least kept up to speed. coming over here and finding your comments was a lovely surprise, one that honestly brought tears to my eyes. elena, i think i will take you up on that offer of an email -- expect one sometime this weekend. :)
thank you again. you're both so beautiful.
mustard, while i was writing my comment to elena and miss t, you were writing to me.
i want what you wrote to be true, so very much.
but i'm so scared. and the only kind words i have are the ones i'm given here. i don't even have any kind words for myself.
i will hold onto your words, and the words of the others, like the lifeline they are.
thank you.
but i'm so scared. and the only kind words i have are the ones i'm given here. i don't even have any kind words for myself.
I know.
Don't tip the boat okay?
In it together until the end.
Don't tip the boat okay?
i won't. now, hand me an oar so i can start paddling, too. :)
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