this is what i really want to do.

i want to go through my apartment, room by room, corner by corner, and pull out everything. every book, every box, every item of clothing, every household tool, every scrap of paper, every toy i "had" to have, every bit of flotsam, and lay them all out, room by room, and look at them, and decide: which is "me", still.

and when i have done this, each room will contain two piles. the first, the smaller, will be those things i truly treasure, those things that truly have a berth in my soul, that truly help me to be me. the second, the larger, will be a heap of crap, which i will sell or give or throw away, as each item requires.

and then there will be space enough. and then i will be able to hold all that is mine in my two arms, and i will be able to go anywhere. i will not be trapped anymore. i will not be bound anymore. i will know who i am again. i will not be locked in a box of my own making, unable to find the key to the chains. the chains will be gone. that person will be gone, the one who built this box.

and i will be free.