- though the magic of silence is potent, i breathe words and tell myself stories and have long, rhetoric-filled imaginary conversations with strangers inside my head, and i simply cannot keep some of all that from spilling out onto this space. you have my apologies, o imaginary invisible reader. i wish i could say i was writing for you, but all this babble is but desperate vanity and word-craving masturbation.
i grew up being the sharp one, the clever girl, the reader, the witty daughter. apollo and mercury my patrons. sunday's child in truth and in pride. daddy's girl, and bright and special, so bright and special.
but i am not a girl, anymore, though i cannot seem to shake the habit of referring to myself as one, and it comes to me now as i stare down this long silent path my life has become, that perhaps i'm not so special anymore, either.
in fact, it is beginning to dawn on me that i don't know much of anything.
in fact, the only story i'm the center of is my own feeble one.
so, back to practicing silence, then. i should be able to acquire at least this one skill, shouldn't i? it's best that i learn it. no one likes a chatty extra on the stage.
6 comments:
Toujours, never feel like you should have to remain silent.
To answer you, I must go bit by little bit.
"i breathe words and tell myself stories and have long, rhetoric-filled imaginary conversations with strangers inside my head..."
I know. I've been at this place in my life for over 6 years. I make up stories in my head and let my imagination run wild because that's the only thing I know how to do. That's the only way I know how to live and to live my life.
but i am not a girl, anymore, though i cannot seem to shake the habit of referring to myself as one, and it comes to me now as i stare down this long silent path my life has become, that perhaps i'm not so special anymore, either
When you've been something for so long, it's hard to shake that habit. Those memories are still there, trapping you and holding you back. They seem to present themselves at the most awkward and unwanted times. And they continue to linger long after, unavoidable. If you keep staring, you're going to find what it is you seek. It may not be in the time frame you wish, but you will find it. That long, silent path you refer to has made you who you are today. You may not like that you are the product of it, as I don't like that I am a product of mine, but it is what it is. We are who we are and nothing can change that.
We are all special. Never let anyone tell you differently. You are special. You're different from everyone else around you. You have your quirks and you have your own special ways of doing things. That in and of itself makes you unique.
in fact, the only story i'm the center of is my own feeble one.
If we were all books, we'd all be the center of it and we'd all have pages telling our story. It's how we adorn those pages that makes the story readable. Try changing the font or the shadowing. You may find that your story isn't so "feeble" :)
Need I refer you to Simon and Garfunkle's "The Sound of Silence"? If you choose to remain silent, you will still be heard.
Do not fall back and stand in the shadows. Don't make the stage curtain your hiding place. Take the spotlight and use it to your benefit. Everyone has a voice and your's is beautiful. Don't disappoint me and those that love you dearly. Use it and don't retreat into the silence of this world. That's we're in the state we're in. No one speaks up.
Your opinion will always matter. Don't forget that.
thank you, mustard, thank you so very much. what you've written is so welcome to me, and yet hurts, too -- but only because i've become convinced that i'm of very little worth, on the blog, in my life, everywhere.
i will re-read your words often, and hopefully i'll be able to reverse these feelings i have. it's much easier to be silent, or to be silly, than to be myself, but i'll try.
thank you. <3
I know, Toujours. Believe me, I know. I deal with that same feeling on a daily basis. It's so much easier to laugh it off even though deep down, it hurts like hell. It's so much easier to make things up inside your head to help in coping with your day. But, it only lasts for a short time. It's just a band-aid. I have to go buy an endless supply though. It only lasts for so long, then the numbness of what you made up in your head to make you feel better finally wears off and your standing in a puddle of tears.
I know.
Try your hardest to "un-convince" yourself of your unworthiness. You are worth something. There are people out there who care so much about you, but like me, we don't see it. I know there are people out there that care about me, but when you spend your days alone and inside your head, it's hard to see that. But, there are people, friends and family, coworkers, your e-buddies, we all care about you. You are never overlooked. Please know that.
Stay strong Toujours. I'll stay strong, too.
mustardisbetter, for some reason, being a part of this whole blog thing brings out my weaknesses and my neediness -- which is embarrassing and yet, perhaps, necessary.
i admire all of you who post there, with honesty about yourselves and at the same time, with compassion and support for the others.
and if you ever would like to have someone else to have un-imaginary conversations with, please do send me an email.
somehow, this blog experience we're having is something that is going to leave us all changed, isn't it?
It will Toujours. When all of this ends, we will all walk away better people. The posters on here, including myself, you can tell they're learning. They're learning to listen better, to analyze, to trust, to distrust as well. We're learning about ourselves and about each other. We're all going to walk away from this as changed people.
This blog has provided a sanctuary for all of us for different reasons. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but this has provided me an outlet to express my emotions. I have 2 friends, Toujours. Neither of which I care that much about pouring my feelings to. That leaves me with no other option than to bottle them up and save them for a rainy day. What this place has provided is something more than I could have ever imagined. I feel like I belong somewhere and I have friends, though they are masked behind a computer screen, that actually care and actually listen.
As for this blog bringing out your weaknesses and neediness, you are right. You need for that to happen. This blog is forcing you to say exactly how you feel because there are no repercussions. You know that posting whatever you have to say is not going to have backlash. In doing so, you can see the true reaction. Though that reaction may not always be what you want, it's truthful and it's honest.
You are being forced to see what your true feelings are and you're having to come to terms with that as the conversations change. You have an opinion on everything posted here, and you have to search for it, thus making you face whatever it is.
It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be needy. We're all like that. I'm like that everyday. This, this blog, these people, they're all helping me face it head on. That's only best.
I will take you up on your email offer. Thanks for your ears Toujours. It's odd that I just decided to look at your blog today. I've not looked at anyone else's, ever. I just placed my cursor over your name and went to take a look. It's weird how fate works, eh?
i've always believed in fate -- but perhaps more as an abstract idea than an actual force. but this blog -- it's like fate stepping up and putting herself in our faces, you know?
i'm looking forward to your email, but fair warning -- i'm even more long-winded in emails! :)
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