cliff-diving.

all open, right? all my clues out on the ground at my feet, right? see them spread out on the blanket there? a bargain, every piece of me. no haggling.

here's a piece. it's a bit odd in shape, and maybe the workmanship is shoddy, but it was sincerely done, i assure you. and some might even find the colors pleasing. what is it? oh, it's a little bit of mental fluff, a little bit of philosophical dalliance that she held herself to. she never wanted to be a greedy thing. she knew she was just being hopeful. so she kept a respectful distance in order to allow the fates to work on her, if they wanted to. made it into an inner law. a taboo not to be broken. avoid the star, avoid the fan, so that maybe someday, two people could meet.

what's that? oh, well. yes, you're right. it is broken. hmm. will you take it at a reduced price? it was broken for a good cause, i assure you. in answer to a compulsion, even.

no? you don't want it? you don't want any of it?

who would?

i can only be myself. and if i'm not shiny enough, well...

then there's nothing to be done about it, is there? there's no mask i would put on to be acceptable, that would be pointless. i'm new to this business of not hiding, but i know that if it's not for who i am, then it's worthless. i told my sister once that i needed to become my best self, for me, and for the vain hope that someday, the fates would smile on me. why would i want to offer you anything but my best?

did this blog hijack that hope? because i'm not my best self. not even close yet! and there's so many things i'd love to tell you, and so many things i'd love to hear you talk about, and now i fear i'll never get that chance to just see if maybe you were a friend i hadn't met yet, because here i'm just a scary silly weepy sheep.

and i'm sure that this is also the wrong thing to do, to cry over my failures in front of you, to show you just how messy and needy and greedy i really am. but what else is there to do? i'm giving you whatever poor words i can scrape up out of my heart for you, because if i consider all here my friends, friends i owe my true self to, then i can't exempt you from that can i? you're a part of this, too. you're a friend, too.

no matter what the fates do.