i close my eyes and hold my arms wide.

i fell asleep this afternoon, all unknowing of how tired i was. sleep took me, and i dreamt. laying curled on the bed in the guest room, my head pillowed on clean warm laundry, i dreamt.

i was at a concert, and there was something i needed to do, someone i needed to find. i searched all over the venue, through the pit and the backstage, and always they were just beyond me. i asked people for help, and though everyone was willing, still, searching. still, looking and only catching a glimpse. i was not frantic, but the search was paramount, my goal imperative.

when i woke, i was warm and muzzy, and the search was still vivid in my mind. the urge to find was all that was within me.



the layered meanings of this dream are obvious to me, it's source patently clear. i don't need to analyse it. but it makes me think a bit further along the path...

here is where it leads me:



i am hungry for the embrace.

i want to be wrapped tightly and held beyond all doubt. i want the search to end. i want to be found. i want to belong again.

this desire...no, need of mine goes far beyond the physical. i gave myself to my gods, put myself in their hands, and emptied my life into their care. everything is utterly different now. they took away all the clutter and left me a creature of wanting. i hear my voice and it whispers of everything good. meals of fulfilling taste, scenes of exquisite ordinary beauty, music that enters every cell, heavy flowers begging to be kissed, rain falling in quiet pattering song on gathering green leaves, striding through a crowd without a missed step, the perfect quip, the bright sassy smile tossed over a shoulder.

i touch my face, i cannot help myself, and i feel the softness of my own skin. so much wanting, bursting with it.

i let go of everything and it's all before me. life and completion and my full ripe self, glimpsed. there, just beyond the curtain. i want it all. i want myself.

and more.