happy birthday, dad.

robert, before we met. *grin*

i learned a bit about him, that man in the picture who would become my father, from my uncle last summer. he and his brothers used to take rambles through the woods behind their home, woods which are now training grounds for the national guard. they had their own camp back in the hills, they would ask their mom for cans of soup and then be gone for a couple of days at a time, roughing it (smoking cigarettes and looking at girly magazines, more likely).

he was a fighter, apparently. an angry teen. he would go down to the local biker bar and take men on, sometimes two at a time. he never lost, according to my uncle. it's amazing to me, this part of my dad, because by the time i knew him, he was a gentle man. still -- embarrassing to admit though it is -- finding out my dad was a tough guy at one point, and a successful brawler...well, i couldn't help but feel a sense of pride.

when i knew him, my dad was a trucker, in full-on burt reynolds smokey and the bear style. as a little girl, i would giggle to hear how he and mom met, how he had been a fuller brush man at her door, how she had bought brushes from him she hadn't needed, but most giggleworthy was the impossible image of my trucker dad in shined shoes and skinny tie. oh gosh!

what i admired about him as a girl was that he could sing in a deep voice that came out of nowhere, that he drove really big trucks and that nothing could hurt him (he was once kicked by a horse when we lived on the farm -- i saw this myself. he flew backwards through the air, landed flat, and after a heartwrenchingly long moment, stood up and slowly made his way back to us on the porch). whenever he wanted to teach me something or had a task for me to do, i would get a little nervous, and try to listen to his instructions as hard as i could. i didn't want him to have to explain something twice, i wanted to be as smart as he was.

what i admired about him as an adult was that no matter what happened to him, divorce, bankruptcy, or whatever, he would just find something new. he was never daunted by the unknown, and was always ready to learn. he had been in the military, had been an insurance salesman, a door-to-door salesman, a truck driver, a farmer, a mobile home salesman (as well as one who could set them up once you bought them), a restaurant owner, a racecar driver, a handyman, a city employee, a web designer -- and those are just the jobs i know about!

he was also always ready to laugh, and be silly. he was always ready to play. he would tease me by standing on my pigtails when i was laying on the floor watching tv, would play with my toys on christmas morning, fly a kite with us kids out in the field on the farm, and make us laugh with funny voices and cb lingo. every time i talked to him on the phone as an adult, we would end up giggling more than talking.

i was just getting to know him as a man in his own right when he was diagnosed with cancer, and he was gone too quickly after that. i have to learn who he was through stories now. the glimpse that i had of him makes me grieve for him all the more, for what i didn't get to know.

but still, i have so much.

and i am so immensely proud to be his daughter. of all my sisters, i am the one who is most like him, and it makes me happy. i'm carrying him with me. he doesn't walk the world anymore, but i do, and through me, he does, too.

happy birthday, dad.

i miss you. i love you.