free-fall

tomorrow i would have awakened to my alarm, got out of bed, and stumbled out to the dining room. my priorities would have been to turn on the computer, start the coffee, and feed the cat. i would have grabbed some time on the internet (read: blog) and rushed out the door to make my way as quickly as possible to my bus stop, and so to work.

but i stepped across a threshold again last friday.

and so tomorrow i will sleep too late, and no one will be expecting me anywhere. my time won't be rationed in quarter-hours and minutes. i will be reliant on my own will to give shape to the day. i am unemployed.

sure, big deal, so what, you might say with a shrug of your shoulders. who hasn't been unemployed? and it's true. i'm a late-bloomer. this job i left behind was the first i did so of my own will for no other reason but that i wanted to. i still can't quite believe that i did that. was i allowed to?

i don't know what i'm doing next. i don't know where my next paycheck is coming from.

i'm trying to be scared about it. i can feel a little tremor of anxiety when i think about it. but generally, no. in fact, i'm writing this with a tiny smile pulling at the corner of my mouth.

i jumped off that cliff without a parachute, without a spotter waiting below, without a plan, without research, without even a hastily-scribbled checklist on the back of an envelope.

what the hell am i thinking?

*grin*