- actually, today was a day spent hiding.
after the visitors left, i went online to catch up, and wind down. there was still a little bit of morning left, and i was looking forward to a resumption of my usual coffee & internet.
but when i turned the computer off, i was unaccountably shaky. suddenly, i was lost. suddenly, i was heartsick.
i surmise that my unsteadiness was partially due to the inevitable crash that happens after guests leave, but why was the world suddenly so foreign, so inimical? why was my voice breaking with tears that had no discernible source?
so i pled exhaustion, and hid behind a closed door for most of the afternoon, trying to escape, first in a book, and then finally, in sleep.
but mostly i think maybe the absence of distraction opened me up to an attack from within, and doubt was what wrenched at me, and pulled down my defensive embankments, and left me standing on a precipice. all my plans seemed futile, all my hopes, infantile. there was no struggle today; i lost.
and though this is what was on my mind, this is what was in my heart, i just couldn't face making my weakness the subject of a good night, yet again.
i once wore a thread on my wrist, but tonight i fear it is gone, and today my faith was shaken that it was ever there at all.
