winter solstice.

I am the small spark at midnight,
The gift of hope and growing light.
-from The Pagan Book of Hours

(matins, the moment when night turns to day.)

intoxication.

i've been listening to the same song on repeat for the last few days. it's a little ridiculous, perhaps, but that's actually not something new for me. i remember playing "union of the snake" on repeat as a 45, and for so long it's still the one duran duran song my mom recognizes. ha.

is it obsessive? is it o.c.d.? i think it's just that it captivates me, this new song, this new story and new vocals from a favorite voice. i want to live in it, at least for a little while.

i've always made homes for myself, in books and music and movies. i've always relied on my imagination to give me a place in the world. i've never been able to keep a friend for longer than a handful of years, but a book will always be a companion, or a song.

i was realizing the other night that i never used to think about belonging anywhere, nor did the passage of time have much impact on me. life was going to be long enough. but then came my cancer year, and a few years later, my divorce, and the year everything changed. and now, the years feel numbered, and short. i wonder if i will be able to make a home for myself eventually, or will i always be an outsider, will i always be trying to find that place i belong?

nothing is certain anymore, and i suspect it never was, but i was ignorant of that in my cocoon.

but in continually listening to this song, i realize that whether i am able to find a home someday or not, i cannot be other than i am. i no longer have confidence that life will be long enough, nor that i will ever find satisfaction in it, but regardless that it brings me happiness or not, at least i will be true to myself.

i will be me, whatever the consequence.