janus

Two-headed Janus, source of the silently gliding year,
The only god who is able to see behind him,
Be favourable to the leaders, whose labours win
Peace for the fertile earth, peace for the seas:
Be favourable to the senate and Roman people,
And with a nod unbar the shining temples.
A prosperous day dawns: favour our thoughts and speech!
Let auspicious words be said on this auspicious day.
-Ovid, Fasti: Book 1

thank you note.

last night i opened up the gifts from my friends. there was no bright paper to rip and toss onto the floor, no ribbons for my cat to chase, just pure generosity from true hearts.

they are the best gifts i have received this year.

the heartfelt messages, the poems and lyrics, the images and videos -- they are all shinier than the newest gadget or the latest toy. i saved them all, and i know i will be re-reading them and re-viewing them, many times.

whenever i am tempted to think no one cares one way or the other about me, i will look at them. whenever i feel as though magic is impossible, i will take them out and let them serve to remind me how very magical the world truly is, for it brought all of you into my life.

merry christmas, my friends, and thank you.

with love,
-tj

storytime.

let's play a game! i'll start, and you can add a sentence or two to keep it going. everyone can play, even anonymously, so be creative!

okay? okay!



my starter sentence:

"ugh," annie bee groaned, looking up from her computer, "my cat is snoring again."

countdown terminated.

in every spy flick there's the defuse the bomb! scene, wherein the hero feverishly -- yet calmly -- saves the world yet again by disabling the most fiendishly clever incendiary device. there's always a red digital readout on the thing, ticking away the seconds to the end of the world, and it always stops with a second or two to spare.

my ex played the role of james bond today. he gave me his christmas bonus, which happened to be the exact amount i needed to stave off my eviction.

i'm still in a financial mess, and it's going to take a while to straighten it out and get myself back on a solid path, but the crisis is over. my world is saved. i have a home.



and to everyone who has been so kind, who has come here and left such warming words of support -- bc (the avenger!), cupcake, dei gratia, ergoproxy, miss t, mustardisbetter, paperheartxx, sdock, and shame in me -- you are the ones who strengthened my heart, and chased away the fear, and no words can truly express the gratitude i have for you, or show how blessed i feel to be a part of this blog experience that has brought all of you into my life. because of all of you, i wasn't alone. it didn't matter that you are all scattered across the globe, with your words i could feel your care as if you had all come to my doorstep at once.

thank you, my friends. i love you.

four days.

none of the requests for help i sent out have been answered.

i have been trying to pretend that there isn't a monster standing behind me, but today i cannot deny that i can feel the breath from it's gaping maw.

i never thought that i would be in this situation. i know how to manage money, i'm a responsible person, i don't drink, do drugs, or gamble. still, i'm broke. i think i'll probably be homeless by the end of the month.

when i was a teenager, i used to joke about wanting to grow up to be a bag-lady, because my style at the time was so scruffy. i saw one such at a bus stop this past week, and wondered if i was looking what i would soon become.

i just don't know.

i've made such a mess of things and now it's time to pay, and i don't know what the cost is truly going to be.

i'm scared.

six days.

that's all. not even a full week until the apartment management turns me over to their lawyers and the eviction process is set in full swing.

my mom might be helping me, or she might just be asking me a lot of questions. i can't tell yet.

i've begun to research what to do with my belongings and who might shelter my cat, just in case.

i'm sorry to everyone that i haven't been putting gifts under lolita's tree, that i haven't been on the blog adding my support to those who need it.

i can't be of use to anyone, neither our host nor our friends.

i am embarrassed, and ashamed.

please stand by.

real life will be temporarily interrupted due to modest mouse, coheed and cambria, et al. once their needs are attended to, i shall return and resume angsting up the place in my usual fashion.

p.s. my one-year anniversary of seeing my chem live for the first time.

buon giorno!

my boat just sprung a leak.

ok. not really a leak. more like the bottom just ripped out on some jagged rocks. i wasn't paying attention to where i was going, didn't see the shoals up ahead.

or maybe i did, and just thought they wouldn't apply to me.

imagined immunity.

it's my own fault for straying so far from shore.

i used to be a very capable person. you would have marveled at the skill of my budgeting and penny-pinching. it was almost a game. made me feel all laura ingalls wilder, smart and self-sufficent pioneer stock. my favorite saying was a line from the farmer's almanac: if it won't make a pot, it will make a pot lid.

i pulled us out of debt. my schemes and lists made his paycheck enough to pay off both our school loans.

but that must have been one of the things i lost when my old life died. when i buried the housewife.

oh gods. not even praying is enough anymore.